So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
