I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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