This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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