I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
