this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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