I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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