between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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