Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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