The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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