low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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