I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
