Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
