please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
