Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
