OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
