I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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