I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
there was a trapeze. enough said
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
