I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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