I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
