finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
