my phone needs a breathalizer
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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