I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want to make out with him forever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
how drunk are you?
Several
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
