Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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