Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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