ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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