the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
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