This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
