Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
