Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
