Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
