She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
