my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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