happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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