We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
