just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
