I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
