I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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