I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Mom said you looked used
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
