I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Randomize
