you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Someone shattered a urinal.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
