So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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