Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
