I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
