think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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