i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
