I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
