i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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