I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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