Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
