Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
